When we started our application for One World, we came across the section, "Child Preference Form". This form is the motivation behind the title of this post, because it caused us a lot of tears and a lot of prayers.
Some adoptive families have very specific preferences for the child they want to adopt. Most of the time, it is a healthy infant, usually of a specific gender. People like being able to pick their children when it comes to adoption, as the statistics show. The children who are less adoptable are older than 2 years old, sibling groups, and any degree of special needs. These labels are like plagues to children waiting for families. It's a sad day when a child turns 2 in the orphanage - their chances of getting adopted drops considerably. Each passing year brings lower and lower chances of being adopted. Sad huh?
Since we aren't the majority parents who want a healthy infant, we were faced with decisions on this Child Preference form. The possible answers to all questions were yes, no, or would consider. Yes meaning we want a child of that specific characteristic, No we definitely do not want a child with that characteristic, or we would consider a child with that characteristic. It started off with gender, then age, then sibling groups. Then it got to the list of special needs.
This list ranged from a lisp to Down's Syndrome/Mental Retardation. There were roughly 30 special needs or diseases we had to go through and state whether we would consider a child with that diagnosis, or turn away from a child with that diagnosis. There are A LOT of differences between parents of biological children and parents of adoptive children. First, biological parents never have to fill out a questionnaire about their parenting style or their strengths and weaknesses. Second, biological parents don't have a say in what their child is born with. Since adoptive parents have to go through a lengthy interview process to be deemed good enough to adopt, on the other hand they have the "luxury" of choosing their children right?
Ugh...yes. We have the "luxury" of choosing our children. But we don't want to choose our children!! We don't want the perfect child, because no child is perfect. How can we, privileged white people in America, look at a child and say with our noses in the air, "No, you're not good enough for our family"?? We can't and we don't want to! We want the "damaged", the ones who are pushed away by other families, who have lost hope because nobody chooses them. Going through that list, trying to be realistic but finding it impossible to feel okay with judging these children we've never met with a diagnosis they never asked for, was by far the hardest thing we have had to do with this adoption. I realize there is a long road ahead of us, but the impact this list had on us was unforgettable.
We tried to go through it - twice. We got a little farther, but both times ended in a lot of prayer about what God wanted us to do. Should we mark "would consider" for every disability and have faith God will give us what child we're meant to have - no matter the challenge? This is what giving birth is like, right? Or do we look at it realistically, knowing our own limitations? For example, we both have to be able to keep working. Our health insurance is through my work, and Sam can't get it through his. Sam's job is the main income for the family. Our house isn't wheelchair accessible. We aren't bringing home a baby with a disability with time to adjust and modify our home as that child grows. We are bringing home a child who could be old enough to already be too heavy to lift. But...if God gave us a child who had needs such as these, He would also have a plan for us to get through those details as well. See the dilemma?
Well, we decided to put "would consider" on all but 5 special needs on that list. We are saying yes to nearly everything, but still feel some shame in saying no to some. We said no to diseases that would be highly contagious for the other children in our family, and we said no to severe physical special needs. Thankfully, we have the ability to talk to our social worker and explain in further detail what degree of special needs we are comfortable with - mild and moderate, but that we are unprepared for more severe special needs, and do not feel equipped to care for a child who requires total physical care. We also work with a wonderful agency and social worker who can discuss in detail with us the children they have available so we can be a part of that decision process before being given a formal referral. I pray this doesn't show a lack of faith in God to give us what we can handle, but I also believe God is not limited by a Child Preference form. If we're meant to have a child with more involved special needs, He's going to make it happen - our answers aren't going to stop Him.
Even with that list out of our hands, we continue to pray God presents the children we're meant to bring home to our family, no matter what they look like, act like, or are diagnosed with.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Agencies, Decisions, Paperwork....Oh my!!
So, in case I didn't mention it already, the general process for adoption decisions goes as follows:
1. Choose a country.
2. Choose an agency.
3. Decide what type of child you want.
4. Find a homestudy provider.
5. Start the paperwork.
We kind of went out of order, but these 5 steps are quite involved. You all know this already, but we decided to adopt from the Democratic Republic of Congo, then we decided to adopt 2 children, then we had to decide on an agency.
Finding THE agency you're going to work hand in hand with throughout this entire process is a daunting task. Not because there are so many bad agencies and you can't feel confident - there are many, many great and caring agencies out there. The problem is, there aren't always a lot of consistencies between agencies. First of all, not every agency works with every country, so you have to narrow down the agencies who work directly with your chosen country. Once you get that narrowed down, then you can start your real research with each agency. Here's what I found in researching agencies.
*Each has their own set of agency requirements - outside of the country requirements - for example, some require you to be a Christian, some have a policy against getting pregnant when you're adopting, and some don't have any additional requirements at all.
*Each has their own set of fees and estimated total costs for adoption.
*Each has their own idea of the time frame you can expect when adopting through them.
*Each has their own way of handling customer service - some hold your hand, some give you the info and it's up to you to figure it out.
*Each has a different program in your chosen country - some are just starting out, some have been around longer, etc.
I shouldn't say "each" because not every agency was all that different from the next, but it was important to find out all of those above details to know exactly what the agency expected of you and what you can expect from them. I supppose some people don't worry a lot about the agency they choose, but since this is our first time adopting, and the Congo is a relatively new adoption country, we wanted to be confident in at least our agency. So much of international adoption is subject to change, and there is a degree of unpredictability in any stage of the process, so at least we can find a stable agency.
After a lot of research (anybody noticing a trend with me? Goodness, I annoy even myself), we decided to hire One World Adoption Services for our adoption agency. They are based out of Georgia, which is fine - it just means we have to find an Iowa homestudy provider to do our homestudy, adoption education, and post-placement visits. We chose One World for the following reasons:
1. They were the first agency to start adoptions in the Congo 4 years ago, and have had families traveling back to back this year to get their children. Every other agency (with the exception of MLJ Adoptions) is just now starting so we would have been a part of a pilot program - 1 of 10 families being pioneers for that agency's work in that country. That would have been fine, but again - first adoption, we wanted a little more stability.
2. Their time frame was listed as quick as 9 months, on up to 18 months. This didn't vary too much from agency to agency, but One World actually knew that time frame from experience of 4 years worth of adoptions, as opposed to guessing because it's a pilot program like other agencies.
3. They own and operate their own orphanage in the Congo, so they have complete control over the children's care, and how the orphanage is ran in country. This also allows us a little more knowledge of our children than a government run orphanage. This does however, eliminate some of the "rescuing" of children who are in those extremely horrific conditions in an orphanage, so I'd actually choose to adopt from a government run orphanage, but this agency was by far our first choice, so this comes along with it.
4. Their fees were roughly $15,000 cheaper than all other agencies. Since they own the orphanage, their fees are lower and they as an agency just have conservative agency fees, bringing the costs down. Also, since it's not a pilot program, they know what their costs are and aren't facing unexpected costs in country or other things that cause the costs to go up.
4. They did NOT have a policy against getting pregnant during the adoption process. Now, the reason most agencies have a policy against this and will stop your adoption if you get pregnant is because they know you need time to adjust and bond with your biological child, and would be unable to give the adopted child your full attention and bonding period with a new baby. I completely understand and agree with this - people should not be trying to have a baby and bring home an adopted child at the same time. But, what about those situations where a pregnancy is trying to be prevented and the 1% happens and you get pregnant? This is Sam and I - we are trying to prevent pregnancy, but if that happens and we are forced to stop our adoption, that would be devastating. I do not want to lose a child to gain a child. Not to mention the non-refundable money you've already put towards the adoption. I do not want to risk feeling resentment that I'm pregnant, and I do not want to mourn for children we were matched up with but had to let go because of the agency policy. Again, totally agree with the policy in cases where people are wanting to super-grow their family in a short amount of time. Each child needs you individually. I just didn't want to take this risk.
5. After speaking with Terri, our social worker from One World, and asking her all of my questions, I knew she was a wonderful person who would be great to work with throughout our adoption. It is important to feel good about the person you'll be working closest with. The agency might look great, but if you can't share in the excitements and sorrows of your adoption right along with your social worker, you'll be missing an important personal piece.
6. I asked the agency for a list of references, and emailed every single one of them. All 6 I got back were raving reviews for One World, with two of them having adopted from the Congo, so I could talk to two families who had recently been through the same process we were about to go through.
7. The final way I knew we were on the right track... One day, I was looking at the website for the orphanage we went to in Haiti, mourning for those children we loved on so dearly for 8 days, and I came across the list of agencies who do adoptions through that orphanage. Out of the 6 listed there, and after all of the time I spent looking at adoption agency lists, the only one I recognized was One World Adoptions. Our agency was one of 6 agencies who adopt children out from the very orphanage we visited in Port au Prince, where there are many many orphanages. I just thought that was pretty cool.
So, tonight we completed our application for One World Adoptions!!! We also paid our first official adoption fee, so it's safe to say we're officially committed. If only all the fees were only $250, haha!! We are also well into the rest of the paperwork for our homestudy, so that's underway too! We should have our first homestudy appointment next week, so now it's time to clean, organize, and sort to get ready for that. The house doesn't have to be perfect, nor do the kids' room have to be ready to go, so just some deep cleaning and organizing is in order before our first visit. Tiny steps, tiny steps. They don't seem to add up to much all at once, but to our sweet children waiting for us, that's one tiny step closer!
1. Choose a country.
2. Choose an agency.
3. Decide what type of child you want.
4. Find a homestudy provider.
5. Start the paperwork.
We kind of went out of order, but these 5 steps are quite involved. You all know this already, but we decided to adopt from the Democratic Republic of Congo, then we decided to adopt 2 children, then we had to decide on an agency.
Finding THE agency you're going to work hand in hand with throughout this entire process is a daunting task. Not because there are so many bad agencies and you can't feel confident - there are many, many great and caring agencies out there. The problem is, there aren't always a lot of consistencies between agencies. First of all, not every agency works with every country, so you have to narrow down the agencies who work directly with your chosen country. Once you get that narrowed down, then you can start your real research with each agency. Here's what I found in researching agencies.
*Each has their own set of agency requirements - outside of the country requirements - for example, some require you to be a Christian, some have a policy against getting pregnant when you're adopting, and some don't have any additional requirements at all.
*Each has their own set of fees and estimated total costs for adoption.
*Each has their own idea of the time frame you can expect when adopting through them.
*Each has their own way of handling customer service - some hold your hand, some give you the info and it's up to you to figure it out.
*Each has a different program in your chosen country - some are just starting out, some have been around longer, etc.
I shouldn't say "each" because not every agency was all that different from the next, but it was important to find out all of those above details to know exactly what the agency expected of you and what you can expect from them. I supppose some people don't worry a lot about the agency they choose, but since this is our first time adopting, and the Congo is a relatively new adoption country, we wanted to be confident in at least our agency. So much of international adoption is subject to change, and there is a degree of unpredictability in any stage of the process, so at least we can find a stable agency.
After a lot of research (anybody noticing a trend with me? Goodness, I annoy even myself), we decided to hire One World Adoption Services for our adoption agency. They are based out of Georgia, which is fine - it just means we have to find an Iowa homestudy provider to do our homestudy, adoption education, and post-placement visits. We chose One World for the following reasons:
1. They were the first agency to start adoptions in the Congo 4 years ago, and have had families traveling back to back this year to get their children. Every other agency (with the exception of MLJ Adoptions) is just now starting so we would have been a part of a pilot program - 1 of 10 families being pioneers for that agency's work in that country. That would have been fine, but again - first adoption, we wanted a little more stability.
2. Their time frame was listed as quick as 9 months, on up to 18 months. This didn't vary too much from agency to agency, but One World actually knew that time frame from experience of 4 years worth of adoptions, as opposed to guessing because it's a pilot program like other agencies.
3. They own and operate their own orphanage in the Congo, so they have complete control over the children's care, and how the orphanage is ran in country. This also allows us a little more knowledge of our children than a government run orphanage. This does however, eliminate some of the "rescuing" of children who are in those extremely horrific conditions in an orphanage, so I'd actually choose to adopt from a government run orphanage, but this agency was by far our first choice, so this comes along with it.
4. Their fees were roughly $15,000 cheaper than all other agencies. Since they own the orphanage, their fees are lower and they as an agency just have conservative agency fees, bringing the costs down. Also, since it's not a pilot program, they know what their costs are and aren't facing unexpected costs in country or other things that cause the costs to go up.
4. They did NOT have a policy against getting pregnant during the adoption process. Now, the reason most agencies have a policy against this and will stop your adoption if you get pregnant is because they know you need time to adjust and bond with your biological child, and would be unable to give the adopted child your full attention and bonding period with a new baby. I completely understand and agree with this - people should not be trying to have a baby and bring home an adopted child at the same time. But, what about those situations where a pregnancy is trying to be prevented and the 1% happens and you get pregnant? This is Sam and I - we are trying to prevent pregnancy, but if that happens and we are forced to stop our adoption, that would be devastating. I do not want to lose a child to gain a child. Not to mention the non-refundable money you've already put towards the adoption. I do not want to risk feeling resentment that I'm pregnant, and I do not want to mourn for children we were matched up with but had to let go because of the agency policy. Again, totally agree with the policy in cases where people are wanting to super-grow their family in a short amount of time. Each child needs you individually. I just didn't want to take this risk.
5. After speaking with Terri, our social worker from One World, and asking her all of my questions, I knew she was a wonderful person who would be great to work with throughout our adoption. It is important to feel good about the person you'll be working closest with. The agency might look great, but if you can't share in the excitements and sorrows of your adoption right along with your social worker, you'll be missing an important personal piece.
6. I asked the agency for a list of references, and emailed every single one of them. All 6 I got back were raving reviews for One World, with two of them having adopted from the Congo, so I could talk to two families who had recently been through the same process we were about to go through.
7. The final way I knew we were on the right track... One day, I was looking at the website for the orphanage we went to in Haiti, mourning for those children we loved on so dearly for 8 days, and I came across the list of agencies who do adoptions through that orphanage. Out of the 6 listed there, and after all of the time I spent looking at adoption agency lists, the only one I recognized was One World Adoptions. Our agency was one of 6 agencies who adopt children out from the very orphanage we visited in Port au Prince, where there are many many orphanages. I just thought that was pretty cool.
So, tonight we completed our application for One World Adoptions!!! We also paid our first official adoption fee, so it's safe to say we're officially committed. If only all the fees were only $250, haha!! We are also well into the rest of the paperwork for our homestudy, so that's underway too! We should have our first homestudy appointment next week, so now it's time to clean, organize, and sort to get ready for that. The house doesn't have to be perfect, nor do the kids' room have to be ready to go, so just some deep cleaning and organizing is in order before our first visit. Tiny steps, tiny steps. They don't seem to add up to much all at once, but to our sweet children waiting for us, that's one tiny step closer!
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