NATHAN ROWEDDER!
With the number guess of 282, You have won the iPad and cover!
A HUGE thanks to everyone who participated!! We GREATLY appreciate your generosity!! We are able to make our last adoption payment and can now focus on saving for the travel expenses to go get them and bring them home...You all have directly helped bring home these beautiful children!!
We will post some fun facts from the contest on our facebook page - it was fun to see how things progressed. Way to go Nate - We hope you enjoy your iPad Mini!!
Saturday, May 18, 2013
Monday, May 6, 2013
Happy Anniversary Sweetheart
Sam and Laura
Est. 05.03.08
5 years ago, Sam and I got married. It is shocking to realize 5 years have already gone by. Like any marriage, there were times we were head over heels with each other, and times we just fell flat on our faces. We have grown more in sync with each other each passing year, and I know there will come a time very soon (6ish months we are hoping) where we will again be challenged. Not only as a couple, but then as parents. Stay tuned for the humors of our attempts at balancing a household and each other going from 0 to 2 kids in a matter of a trip to Africa :)
This anniversary brings about a lot of excitement in almost every area of our lives. As I look back to 5 years ago, I am drawn to pictures of our honeymoon. We went to Hawaii for 2 weeks, and it was nothing short of amazing. It was absolutely gorgeous there, and something that will forever be one of my absolute favorite times together with Sam.
We saw canyons...
Took walks on the beaches...
Rescued a very large snail from the road...
then found the tiniest lizard in our dining room... (look closely)
We watched sea turtles...
Ate enormous burgers...
Went to the absolute most hilarious magic show this world knows...
Involuntarily risked our lives trying to find a waterfall...
And voluntarily risked our lives to jump over one...
We relaxed....
Went hiking...
Searched for sea creatures...
Went out for delicious dinners (with chicken strips for Sam) :)
Enjoyed Hawaiian specialties ;)
And acted like kids...
And as we traveled back home...
We promised we'd be back.
So, we made plans to go back to Hawaii for our 5th anniversary. When we were there, we met older couples who went back every year, and we pictured ourselves many years later doing the same. It was such a magical place, and we could definitely see why visitors returned again and again.
Little did we know, four years later, we would take a week long trip to Haiti that would change us for a lifetime. Not long after returning home from Haiti, as we attempted to process the many feelings we struggled to understand, we realized we needed to change our plans for our 5th anniversary. Making a trip to Hawaii for our anniversary was no longer a priority. We didn't know yet that we would be adopting, but we knew the expense to go to Hawaii was selfish and unnecessary for us. Don't get me wrong, I get a little saddened when I look at these pictures and know we won't be going back for a long time, if ever. But my heart isn't sad knowing what we are sacrificing for. We gave all of this up for our adoption, and to be able to bring our kids home. We gave all this up to instead use that money to help those far, far less fortunate than us. And as we celebrate our 5th anniversary here on this side of the states, I am so incredibly moved by our last 5 years. I love Sam so incredibly much, and the moment he made me a mom by saying those sweet, sweet words "I want to adopt", the world spun just like it did when we saw each other for the first time on our wedding day, when we said our vows, when we got off that plane in 85 degree Hawaii...
I wish so badly that I could put into words our last 5 years, and the feelings I have now. I want it documented, I want to look back at this 5 years from now when we're celebrating our 10th anniversary and marvel in the feelings experienced with my husband as we wait to bring our son and daughter home. I want him to know and hear in words what he means to me, and that I will do anything for our family. But, there just aren't quite words. There are again, too many feelings to process, and so many more levels to our relationship than we had 5 years ago. Making the choice to adopt, not because we can't have children biologically, but because there are kids who need homes - that is who we have become together. We have decided we have no plans to have biological children. We have been told it is strange to not want biological children, and while I agree it is a bit different, it feels right. Never would I have imagined us in this place 5 years ago. So, I guess it seems logical that we aren't returning to our honeymoon spot from 5 years ago. I do still love the beach, sunshine, palm trees, and even the tiny lizards...but I love family planning with my husband more.
Thank you Sam, for such an amazing honeymoon in Hawaii. It could not have been more perfect (aside from maybe the airlines messing up our ticket to Kauai, or the whales migrating too soon for us to see more than 3 and then being told they likely will die because they won't make the migration trip in time - that was a downer...) :) From the Mexican place we would have eaten at everyday for the rest of our lives if we were allowed, to the life threatening walks across grates 4 times without needing to, and the many, many sights we saw while we were there, I would so very happily return to Hawaii any time you want. But I want our kids more. You are going to make an amazing Daddy, and I can't wait to hear their little voices call us Mama and Papa for the first time. Your faith is unwavering, and sets a foundation for our home that will forever bond our family. Thank you for being a leader in our home. I love your heart, your generosity in giving to others, and your smile :) Those are probably my top 3.
I thank God He gave you to me. But I also acknowledge that without your choices to strive to be better each day, you wouldn't be. God can work in you if you allow him, and you have. That is what makes my heart grow the most. Happy Anniversary Sweetheart, thank you for blessing my life every day you are in it.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Win an iPad Mini, Help bring home 2 kids!!
We are VERY excited about this new fundraiser! This could help us reach our fundraising goal, and we are happy to give an iPad Mini as a prize to the winner of this contest!
First, a HUGE THANK YOU to our sponsors making this possible!!! They helped purchase the iPad Mini, allowing us to have the full profits from this fundraiser - generosity comes in so many wonderful packages.
- Dodie and Alan Wilkins from Century 21 Realty - they are outstanding realtors, Christians, and incredibly supportive! Dodie and Alan are excellent at what they do, and we are so blessed to have them in our lives!
- Potter & Brant P.L.C. public accounting firm - this is a wonderful group of Certified Public Accountants who provide accounting, auditing, and tax services to businesses and individuals in North Iowa and surrounding areas. They're professional, personable, and just downright great!
- Avenue of the Saints Church of Christ - Last but certainly not least, our loving and supportive church! They are spiritual friends and family we couldn't do this adoption without!!
Since Iowa laws don't allow individuals to have a raffle, we have to do this as a contest instead. But we tried to make it as easy as we could for everyone to participate!
This is a Lowest Unique Number Contest. The person who submits the lowest number that nobody else guesses is the winner. Each guess is $1, and for each $10 spent, you get one free guess!
For example, if Person A guesses 4, 16, 18, 22, 45 and Person B guesses 4, 16, 17, 20, 21 then Person B would win because 17 was the lowest number not guessed by anyone else.
Entries can be made via Paypal - just put your number guesses in the comments section and we'll get them recorded! If the comments on Paypal don't work, email us your number guesses to MiniBurlesons@gmail.com. (p.s. isn't the email address great? Sam came up with that :) hehe)
Imagine winning an iPad Mini for only $10, $30, or even $50! If you donated $50, that would give you 55 number guesses, which is a huge chance to win!
I hope that explains it - If you have any further questions just let us know!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR ENTRIES & GOOD LUCK!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Almost 3 months ago...
On April 8th, it will be 3 months since we accepted the referral of our sweet children. It's really hard to believe, and that also means we've been in our house almost 3 months as well. We're working on taking down wallpaper, will soon be painting, and the never-ending sorting through boxes. We got out the essentials, but have a lot to sort through still. We want to continue to purge and get rid of stuff, so that's our goal as we go through stuff.
Reflecting back on our "referral accepting" date, I realized I hadn't yet blogged about it. I had every intention to, but the weeks following accepting our referral were filled with getting paperwork completed and sent in, and settling into our house. When we first moved in, we went a week and a half without silverware, and finally decided we needed to find it when we started eating with picnic forks :) We weren't in any hurry obviously, but have gotten a lot done in the past few months.
When we switched to an independent adoption, we were told it was rare to find siblings, as most of the children they process adoptions for are abandonment cases, where the child is left somewhere and there is no parent to sign any papers, or verify any siblings. If two children are abandoned in the same area together, there isn't anyone to verify they are in fact siblings, so they often have to conclude they are not related. It is also uncommon for a parent to abandon multiple children at once - it is more likely that they will abandon one - maybe the one that is most at risk of death or illness without more care than the parent can provide. No parent can fathom having to make that decision, so please keep that in mind instead of jumping to the common thought of "how could a parent do that to their child??" - obviously the situations are desperate there, so much so that parents have to make that decision to give up their child in hopes he will receive better care than they as the parent can give him. It's horrific to think about having to do that. Even more horrific to imagine keeping your child knowing they are facing death and you didn't do everything in your power to get them help. It's a matter of having to choose the best-worst outcome for your child.
When I first pictured the children we would bring into our family clear back when we decided to adopt, in my head I often pictured a toddler and an older child sibling group. I am very drawn to toddlers - I love that age, the way they talk, the way they act, the way they see the world, the way they process information, everything about them. So naturally my mommy desires kicked in and I was hoping for a toddler. It became obvious quickly when we switched to an independent adoption that the chances were very slim we would be referred a sibling group at all, let alone one with a toddler, unless we decided to wait for one to become available. We wanted a waiting child, and didn't want to wait for a referral while another child was waiting for a family. We asked God to send us the children we were meant to have, and would gladly welcome into our home whoever came our way. Not knowing quite how to process the feelings of uncertainty about not adopting a toddler, I asked for support on our facebook adoption groups, and talked to other families who had accepted a referral or brought home a child who was not the age, gender, or whatever that they had originally pictured in their family. I spoke with over a dozen people, and aside from a couple, the conclusion was that most people accepted a referral for a child they didn't originally picture adopting, and were incredibly happy they did. I also asked them about the feelings they got when they saw the referral picture of their future child. I was concerned that after looking at so many pictures, I was a bit calloused, and wasn't having those "love at first sight" feelings I had always pictured having when I opened up my email and saw the faces who would one day come home with me. I didn't know which one of these pictures I was looking at was that of my future children, and the fact that didn't stand out to me like the "ah-ha" moment I'd always imagined (seeing the picture and KNOWING that's my child), made me nervous. I was reassured by almost every person I talked to who had similar fears and worries. The few that actually did have love at first sight feelings were accepting referrals of children who fit their requests perfectly - i.e. they asked for an infant girl, and were getting an infant girl. Naturally there wouldn't be any second guessing feelings with a referral you asked for. Other families who were stretched a little outside their boxes all said that it wasn't always perfect feelings of bliss, but absolutely fit perfectly for their families upon bringing them home and they couldn't imagine things any differently had they adopted younger, or of a different gender. After talking to other adoptive parents, I realized my feelings were normal, and I felt completely at peace with not adopting a toddler. I then prayed a lot for God to give us whatever children He had planned for us. I knew if that didn't include a sibling group with a toddler in it, that's okay - God's trusting me with His precious children, I trust HIM much more than I trust me.
The night we chose our children, we sat down together on the couch, and listed out all of our current options for children. (I would never wish this for anyone to have to do...) There were a lot of single children, and we had the option of choosing any number of single children, or the one sibling group that was available to us. We numbered the children, and each took some time separately writing down our first, second, and third picks. This is also something I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to do - it's a sickening feeling. No matter what, there were at least 8 children on our list who wouldn't find their family that night...who would continue being orphans. We could only choose 2 or 3, out of 147 million orphans.
The night we chose our children, we sat down together on the couch, and listed out all of our current options for children. (I would never wish this for anyone to have to do...) There were a lot of single children, and we had the option of choosing any number of single children, or the one sibling group that was available to us. We numbered the children, and each took some time separately writing down our first, second, and third picks. This is also something I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to do - it's a sickening feeling. No matter what, there were at least 8 children on our list who wouldn't find their family that night...who would continue being orphans. We could only choose 2 or 3, out of 147 million orphans.
Our conversation that night on January 8th didn't last long before we had made a decision. With only one sibling group in the list, and our strong desire to keep siblings together and adopt related children if possible, we concluded pretty quickly we wanted the sibling group of a boy and a girl ages 4 and 5. Those feelings I was discussing earlier all came at once. It was butterfly feelings, it was instant protection, and I instantly wanted to get these kiddos home. We were so excited, and I'm sure a part of these elated feelings were related to simply having finally made this decision!! It felt right, and we immediately started talking about what plans we were going to make - their room, what needs to be done, what we'll need for them, etc. It was like we were going to pick them up next week with the way we were planning :) I texted Amy and Sarah (we had referral options from both) to tell them of our decision around 10:30 that night.. We were congratulated by both, and I was so excited we finally knew who our kids were!!!
The next morning, at 6:30 am, I got a text from Amy. It said, "I know you just made your decision, but I have a sibling group of a 2 and 3 year old if you were still wanting younger children" My heart sank. I texted back, "You have got to be kidding me" First it was very rare to find a sibling group, then it was even more unlikely to find a sibling group with a toddler in it who is waiting for a family. And now we have two to choose from?! We waited almost 2 months to make this decision, and 8 hours after we decided, another one becomes available to us?! I called Amy on my way to work, and she explained there was a family looking for a boy and they referred a little boy, then realized he had a sister. The family was fairly sure they only wanted to adopt one, their homestudy was only approved for one, and they were only approved by USCIS for one. They were thinking about it and giving Amy a call back sometime that day, but she wanted to let me know it was a possibility before the day got underway and we sent paperwork for the other sibling group. I was crushed. It was a fairly easy decision when there was just one sibling group, I could not possibly choose between two sibling groups. I prayed the entire way to work that God would just take one of these choices away from me. I couldn't possibly decide AGAIN between children. If we chose the younger sibling group, I'd feel like we were betraying the children we had just 8 hours before chosen. If we chose the older sibling group, Amy didn't have any other families who wanted a sibling group so they would wait. I realize in 147 million orphans there are more than two sibling groups, but in our world at that moment, we had to say no to one little boy and girl. They didn't know about the rejection, but we did. I was so upset over having to decide this, I continued to pray, plead to God that one sibling group be taken by somebody else. I didn't want to have to choose, and no matter what we chose, I couldn't feel good about it. I asked Sam to come over to my work for lunch so we could talk about it, it was such an emotional and awful time!! After lunch, I texted Amy and Sarah and said, "We can't possibly make this decision, so the only way we know to make this decision is to choose the sibling group who has nobody else to adopt them. So please, if there's another family who wants one of them, please let us know. We are praying for this answer to be clear." Amy called literally 2 minutes later and said the other family had just called - they wanted to younger sibling group, and they were no longer an option.
God. Answers. Prayers.
When I told my dear friend and fellow adoptive mom about that day, she pointed out how Satan works against us. He took the happiest day in our adoption journey so far and crushed it in a matter of 8 hours. He made us question our decision, and consider walking away from the children we chose. Satan does not want children to find families, and he will do whatever he can to discourage people from adoption, to destroy families, to pull children from their parents. These children need our prayers - I like to think about it like they are what fuels God's power against Satan.
I'm so glad we have God on our side.
One fellow adoptive mom said it very well - "Love isn't always about those butterfly feelings. It starts with feelings of responsibility and protection. Being a mother is being a caregiver, protecting your children, and the rest of those feelings of love will grow." It's not always easy to feel an emotional connection with a child you can't see or hold. But I feel an emotional connection with the children we are going to adopt knowing someday I am going to get to hold these children, provide them with food, shelter, clothes, water, and...love. However, since I can't give them these things yet, I'm in protective mode, and have an overwhelming desire to get them home. We'll have plenty of time for the rest.
God. Answers. Prayers.
When I told my dear friend and fellow adoptive mom about that day, she pointed out how Satan works against us. He took the happiest day in our adoption journey so far and crushed it in a matter of 8 hours. He made us question our decision, and consider walking away from the children we chose. Satan does not want children to find families, and he will do whatever he can to discourage people from adoption, to destroy families, to pull children from their parents. These children need our prayers - I like to think about it like they are what fuels God's power against Satan.
I'm so glad we have God on our side.
One fellow adoptive mom said it very well - "Love isn't always about those butterfly feelings. It starts with feelings of responsibility and protection. Being a mother is being a caregiver, protecting your children, and the rest of those feelings of love will grow." It's not always easy to feel an emotional connection with a child you can't see or hold. But I feel an emotional connection with the children we are going to adopt knowing someday I am going to get to hold these children, provide them with food, shelter, clothes, water, and...love. However, since I can't give them these things yet, I'm in protective mode, and have an overwhelming desire to get them home. We'll have plenty of time for the rest.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Guess What?!?!?!?!?!?!
We are BEYOND excited, elated, ecstatic, thrilled, overjoyed, on cloud nine, deliriously overjoyed, and tickled pink to present to you....
....OUR CHILDREN!!!
Please meet this sweet sibling group, we'll call them K1 and K2 (we have to keep their names and faces confidential until they are officially ours)!
K1 is a beautiful 5 year old girl, and K2 is her brother, an adorable 4 year old boy. We know very little about them, and the little we do know we have decided to keep private. These pictures were taken just 3 weeks ago, showing off the new clothes and shoes they got for Christmas! These gifts were made possible by donations to Wren's Song, who supplied 4 orphanages with clothes and shoes for each child. What a blessing our sweet children got to celebrate what is likely their first Christmas with something to call their own.
More to come about how we came to meet these angels in a later post!
We are officially in love...
....OUR CHILDREN!!!
Please meet this sweet sibling group, we'll call them K1 and K2 (we have to keep their names and faces confidential until they are officially ours)!
K1 is a beautiful 5 year old girl, and K2 is her brother, an adorable 4 year old boy. We know very little about them, and the little we do know we have decided to keep private. These pictures were taken just 3 weeks ago, showing off the new clothes and shoes they got for Christmas! These gifts were made possible by donations to Wren's Song, who supplied 4 orphanages with clothes and shoes for each child. What a blessing our sweet children got to celebrate what is likely their first Christmas with something to call their own.
More to come about how we came to meet these angels in a later post!
We are officially in love...
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Two At A Time
I felt like this was more appropriate in our situation! So, I updated it. :)
Also, just out of curiosity...did anyone else notice the pirate clutching his cutlass or is that just me?
Choosing Kids......Not to be Confused with Car Shopping
Can I just say, this part of adoption is AWFUL!!!
Seriously, how can anyone feel good about "choosing" kids?? I mean, I know we can't take them all, and I know we're going to have to say no to several children...but you try looking at their sweet faces and feeling anything but guilt and heartbreak when you do finally make a decision!!
Okay, okay...I'll take a quieter approach to this. Let's back up a little bit. :) Sam and I decided we would pursue an independent adoption (blah blah - you read about this already in the previous post). We had a couple of options (you read about that too), which means there are kids from both independent routes available to us. We had the option of choosing from the kids available from either group, one from each, or go completely blind into this and ask an attorney to find us kids of a specific type: gender, age, etc...
Starting to sound like car shopping yet?
Sam wanted to wait until after the holidays and after we moved to make a decision of this magnitude (kids, not cars). At first, I was pretty disappointed, and I'll admit, I got impatient. However, in the back of my head, it always came to mind that these are going to be OUR CHILDREN for the REST OF OUR LIVES. It's a big deal! So, my husband is a smart man to not cloud our judgement with the many other things going on during Christmas, New Years, and moving into a new home. :)
So...moving! We closed on the house on Friday, January 4th, and moved the next day. We don't waste any time :) Especially when we're waiting to make an adoption decision until after we move! We got to meet the sellers, and they met us on Thursday the 3rd to do a walk through of the house and property. It was so great to meet them! And I think it was really beneficial for them to meet us as well. They moved into this home the day after their honeymoon. It was not only their first home together as a couple, but it was where they raised their three children, and spent the last 36 years of their lives. This house was/is very meaningful to them, and they were rightfully a little fearful of who it was being sold to. Since we hadn't met, and they knew nothing about us from just doing the paperwork back and forth, they could have walked into their home for the last time to meet someone who had plans to bulldoze the property and build new. She had even expressed concern of that exact thing happening. They were thrilled to hear of our adoption plans, and even more excited that there would be little kids running around, just as theirs were years ago. We spent the next 2 hours going through the home with them and visiting about each other. They were such a sweet couple, and we were so happy to finally meet them. I had wanted to reassure them for months now that we were going to take good care of their home. We love it. They took such great care of it when they lived here, and I wanted to give them the peace of mind that they could move on from their family home without the worry of what would come of it.
We had quite the crew helping us move that Saturday! My parents came up from Norway, and we had our friends and family from here helping as well. Century 21 lets you borrow their moving truck for free when you buy a house through them, so we were pretty set. We took 3 loads in the moving truck, plus several people took loads in their cars. Needless to say, the first item on the agenda after making an adoption decision - PURGE PURGE PURGE!!! We have way too much stuff, and we are really trying to initiate a simpler way of living. It was especially humbling, and guilt-filled to be honest, to watch as people carried loads and loads of boxes full of things...just things. All I could think about was Haiti...how some people have a bowl and the clothes on their backs to their name and that's it. That's IT. An outfit and something to cook and eat out of. Ugh...It took several trips just to get all of our food into the house. It's sickening really. Just because it's the American way doesn't mean it has to be our way. We're making changes, that's all there is to it.
We got pizza to feed all of our help, and soon the weather turned pretty bitter. It was the warmest day in the previous 2 weeks (20 degrees - woooohoo!) and sunny during the day, but once the sun went down, it got COLD. We quickly finished pizza and went back out for one more truck load. My mother-in-law and I vacuumed and deep-cleaned our other house so it was ready for renters, and finally finished everything at about 10:30 that night. We started at about 1:30, with 12 people helping..long day! What a blessing friends and family are!!!
Sam and I decided we would designate some time the following Monday to talk about adoption stuff. We had a list of kids we could choose from, and wrote them all out. It was horrible. For me at least. I'm not sure about Sam, because up until this point, he had chosen not to look at any children's photos. While I was receiving referral picture after referral picture for the past 4 weeks, he peacefully opted out of looking at any of them. Even from when we were with our agency, he didn't want to look at any photos of kids who were options to us. He would look at other people's referral pictures, knowing they were already matched with another family and weren't an option for us...but he wouldn't look at the ones we could choose from. It left me feeling a little alone in these emotions of despair and guilt that these poor children would go yet again without a family as we weeded through them. However, I too had that option not to look. I couldn't help myself, but looking back, it would have been emotionally smarter not to. I completely respect Sam's decision not to look at all the pictures, because he logically knew we couldn't take them all. It's a matter-of-fact that we have to leave all but two there, and if there's no way to change that, there's no reason to torture himself.
SAM'S SIDE NOTE: Hello all, I felt like I should chime in here and clarify something. During this long and sometimes very difficult process, I have chosen to never look at any photos of our "potential" children. I chose to do this for a couple reasons. 1). Similar to what Laura stated above, I don't want to get "too" attached to the thinking of "this is my child and I know what they look like and who they are." As we have learned along the process, there are many setbacks and uncertainties, and knowing who your child is the largest uncertainty. At one point in the process, I'm fairly sure we were close to 100% confidant we were adopting three children! Now, those children aren't even a potential because we aren't even with that agency. 2). I am basically terrified of judging these kids based on looks. I'm afraid of my own fickleness. I struggled during this process with choosing which characteristics we would consider in our future children, such as HIV+, cerebral palsy, deformed limbs, etc. As I went down that checklist, saying yes or no to each one, I already felt like I was judging these kids before I ever met them or based on some illness they had no way of controlling. I put myself in their shoes, thinking what if I was that orphan? I have diabetes, would someone overlook me just because I'd be too difficult to deal with? It was a horrible time for me, doing that list. So, I came out of it with the rationale, I'm not going to let my stupidness or selfishness get in the way. So, for me, I chose to do that by eliminating a judging element of my body...my eyes. I figured, if I cannot see them, I can't judge them based on how they look. Too often, we as a society (as well as sinners) judge people based on how they look. I'm as guilty as anyone else and not proud of it. There is a lot of second guessing that occurs once you have seen a photo of a child, "Is this child really that age?", "This child looks really angry.", "What is wrong with her hand?", etc. These are all things I've heard people say who have looked at photos of potential children. So, for what its worth, putting it in God's hands and praying for an accepting heart has helped me tremendously. END SAM'S SIDE NOTE.
The other difficult thing is what we are deciding on children we've never met, know absolutely nothing about, and can assume the information we're given is somewhat inaccurate because there is likely no way to know for sure how old the child really is. Imagine you're told you can choose between two red cars. Both are automatic, have 4 wheels, and run. Now choose. There would likely be a hundred different questions you would want to ask before making that decision. How new are the tires? Does it run well? Is one faster than the other? Are there any rips in the interior? Any body damage? Has it ever been in any wrecks? What happened in the wreck? Was the car totaled or repairable? Do the tires keep air? What kid of gas mileage does it get?
You get the point. We know virtually nothing about these kids. Now with this, we actually don't care. We don't care what damage they're coming with, or what their personality is like. Do you get to make a robot baby when you're pregnant with all the "right" features and characteristics you want? Nope. Kids are unpredictable as it is, so this is not an issue for us. If it were, and we wanted more control in picking the "perfect child" (because those exist?), we wouldn't be adopting. Or having biological children. Or probably still married for that matter. (I know I'm not perfect! Sorry Sam - I know that comes of a shock ;) We don't care that we don't know what the kids are like...but... not knowing makes it nearly impossible to have a reason enough to say no to children and narrow down the list. What criteria can you possibly use if you have no information on them? Besides age and gender, which we didn't care much about anyway, there's nothing to help make this decision any easier.
It's an awful part of this process. I don't like it. I really, really don't like it. Enough said.
Now, on a side note, I'd like to talk about something that's come to mind...
About those pictures...
In the adoption world, it seriously clouds your judgement when you're looking at picture after picture of children who ALL need mommies and daddies. I found it impossible to feel good about what we're doing for the two we will bring home, because there are millions left. It would have been a good choice not to make this part of the process any less difficult - I should have been more selective with the pictures I opened. I felt at the time though that I wasn't giving each child a fair shot like God would want me to if I didn't look at them. And that is partially true - God doesn't always call us to do the easy things in life. He calls us to do the things no other servant is willing to do. SEND ME is the attitude we should have, not SEND ME IF... it's safe, it's easy, it's cheap. So by opening myself up to every child I saw, I felt I was leaving my heart open to whatever type of child God has in store for us. But...if I had been more selective, I possibly could have enjoyed this process a little bit more, and I worry this creates a level of stress in this decision making that steals away the positive and overjoyed feelings I should feel anytime we come one step closer to having kids here with us.
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Seriously, how can anyone feel good about "choosing" kids?? I mean, I know we can't take them all, and I know we're going to have to say no to several children...but you try looking at their sweet faces and feeling anything but guilt and heartbreak when you do finally make a decision!!
Okay, okay...I'll take a quieter approach to this. Let's back up a little bit. :) Sam and I decided we would pursue an independent adoption (blah blah - you read about this already in the previous post). We had a couple of options (you read about that too), which means there are kids from both independent routes available to us. We had the option of choosing from the kids available from either group, one from each, or go completely blind into this and ask an attorney to find us kids of a specific type: gender, age, etc...
Starting to sound like car shopping yet?
Sam wanted to wait until after the holidays and after we moved to make a decision of this magnitude (kids, not cars). At first, I was pretty disappointed, and I'll admit, I got impatient. However, in the back of my head, it always came to mind that these are going to be OUR CHILDREN for the REST OF OUR LIVES. It's a big deal! So, my husband is a smart man to not cloud our judgement with the many other things going on during Christmas, New Years, and moving into a new home. :)
So...moving! We closed on the house on Friday, January 4th, and moved the next day. We don't waste any time :) Especially when we're waiting to make an adoption decision until after we move! We got to meet the sellers, and they met us on Thursday the 3rd to do a walk through of the house and property. It was so great to meet them! And I think it was really beneficial for them to meet us as well. They moved into this home the day after their honeymoon. It was not only their first home together as a couple, but it was where they raised their three children, and spent the last 36 years of their lives. This house was/is very meaningful to them, and they were rightfully a little fearful of who it was being sold to. Since we hadn't met, and they knew nothing about us from just doing the paperwork back and forth, they could have walked into their home for the last time to meet someone who had plans to bulldoze the property and build new. She had even expressed concern of that exact thing happening. They were thrilled to hear of our adoption plans, and even more excited that there would be little kids running around, just as theirs were years ago. We spent the next 2 hours going through the home with them and visiting about each other. They were such a sweet couple, and we were so happy to finally meet them. I had wanted to reassure them for months now that we were going to take good care of their home. We love it. They took such great care of it when they lived here, and I wanted to give them the peace of mind that they could move on from their family home without the worry of what would come of it.
We had quite the crew helping us move that Saturday! My parents came up from Norway, and we had our friends and family from here helping as well. Century 21 lets you borrow their moving truck for free when you buy a house through them, so we were pretty set. We took 3 loads in the moving truck, plus several people took loads in their cars. Needless to say, the first item on the agenda after making an adoption decision - PURGE PURGE PURGE!!! We have way too much stuff, and we are really trying to initiate a simpler way of living. It was especially humbling, and guilt-filled to be honest, to watch as people carried loads and loads of boxes full of things...just things. All I could think about was Haiti...how some people have a bowl and the clothes on their backs to their name and that's it. That's IT. An outfit and something to cook and eat out of. Ugh...It took several trips just to get all of our food into the house. It's sickening really. Just because it's the American way doesn't mean it has to be our way. We're making changes, that's all there is to it.
We got pizza to feed all of our help, and soon the weather turned pretty bitter. It was the warmest day in the previous 2 weeks (20 degrees - woooohoo!) and sunny during the day, but once the sun went down, it got COLD. We quickly finished pizza and went back out for one more truck load. My mother-in-law and I vacuumed and deep-cleaned our other house so it was ready for renters, and finally finished everything at about 10:30 that night. We started at about 1:30, with 12 people helping..long day! What a blessing friends and family are!!!
Sam and I decided we would designate some time the following Monday to talk about adoption stuff. We had a list of kids we could choose from, and wrote them all out. It was horrible. For me at least. I'm not sure about Sam, because up until this point, he had chosen not to look at any children's photos. While I was receiving referral picture after referral picture for the past 4 weeks, he peacefully opted out of looking at any of them. Even from when we were with our agency, he didn't want to look at any photos of kids who were options to us. He would look at other people's referral pictures, knowing they were already matched with another family and weren't an option for us...but he wouldn't look at the ones we could choose from. It left me feeling a little alone in these emotions of despair and guilt that these poor children would go yet again without a family as we weeded through them. However, I too had that option not to look. I couldn't help myself, but looking back, it would have been emotionally smarter not to. I completely respect Sam's decision not to look at all the pictures, because he logically knew we couldn't take them all. It's a matter-of-fact that we have to leave all but two there, and if there's no way to change that, there's no reason to torture himself.
SAM'S SIDE NOTE: Hello all, I felt like I should chime in here and clarify something. During this long and sometimes very difficult process, I have chosen to never look at any photos of our "potential" children. I chose to do this for a couple reasons. 1). Similar to what Laura stated above, I don't want to get "too" attached to the thinking of "this is my child and I know what they look like and who they are." As we have learned along the process, there are many setbacks and uncertainties, and knowing who your child is the largest uncertainty. At one point in the process, I'm fairly sure we were close to 100% confidant we were adopting three children! Now, those children aren't even a potential because we aren't even with that agency. 2). I am basically terrified of judging these kids based on looks. I'm afraid of my own fickleness. I struggled during this process with choosing which characteristics we would consider in our future children, such as HIV+, cerebral palsy, deformed limbs, etc. As I went down that checklist, saying yes or no to each one, I already felt like I was judging these kids before I ever met them or based on some illness they had no way of controlling. I put myself in their shoes, thinking what if I was that orphan? I have diabetes, would someone overlook me just because I'd be too difficult to deal with? It was a horrible time for me, doing that list. So, I came out of it with the rationale, I'm not going to let my stupidness or selfishness get in the way. So, for me, I chose to do that by eliminating a judging element of my body...my eyes. I figured, if I cannot see them, I can't judge them based on how they look. Too often, we as a society (as well as sinners) judge people based on how they look. I'm as guilty as anyone else and not proud of it. There is a lot of second guessing that occurs once you have seen a photo of a child, "Is this child really that age?", "This child looks really angry.", "What is wrong with her hand?", etc. These are all things I've heard people say who have looked at photos of potential children. So, for what its worth, putting it in God's hands and praying for an accepting heart has helped me tremendously. END SAM'S SIDE NOTE.
The other difficult thing is what we are deciding on children we've never met, know absolutely nothing about, and can assume the information we're given is somewhat inaccurate because there is likely no way to know for sure how old the child really is. Imagine you're told you can choose between two red cars. Both are automatic, have 4 wheels, and run. Now choose. There would likely be a hundred different questions you would want to ask before making that decision. How new are the tires? Does it run well? Is one faster than the other? Are there any rips in the interior? Any body damage? Has it ever been in any wrecks? What happened in the wreck? Was the car totaled or repairable? Do the tires keep air? What kid of gas mileage does it get?
You get the point. We know virtually nothing about these kids. Now with this, we actually don't care. We don't care what damage they're coming with, or what their personality is like. Do you get to make a robot baby when you're pregnant with all the "right" features and characteristics you want? Nope. Kids are unpredictable as it is, so this is not an issue for us. If it were, and we wanted more control in picking the "perfect child" (because those exist?), we wouldn't be adopting. Or having biological children. Or probably still married for that matter. (I know I'm not perfect! Sorry Sam - I know that comes of a shock ;) We don't care that we don't know what the kids are like...but... not knowing makes it nearly impossible to have a reason enough to say no to children and narrow down the list. What criteria can you possibly use if you have no information on them? Besides age and gender, which we didn't care much about anyway, there's nothing to help make this decision any easier.
It's an awful part of this process. I don't like it. I really, really don't like it. Enough said.
Now, on a side note, I'd like to talk about something that's come to mind...
About those pictures...
In the adoption world, it seriously clouds your judgement when you're looking at picture after picture of children who ALL need mommies and daddies. I found it impossible to feel good about what we're doing for the two we will bring home, because there are millions left. It would have been a good choice not to make this part of the process any less difficult - I should have been more selective with the pictures I opened. I felt at the time though that I wasn't giving each child a fair shot like God would want me to if I didn't look at them. And that is partially true - God doesn't always call us to do the easy things in life. He calls us to do the things no other servant is willing to do. SEND ME is the attitude we should have, not SEND ME IF... it's safe, it's easy, it's cheap. So by opening myself up to every child I saw, I felt I was leaving my heart open to whatever type of child God has in store for us. But...if I had been more selective, I possibly could have enjoyed this process a little bit more, and I worry this creates a level of stress in this decision making that steals away the positive and overjoyed feelings I should feel anytime we come one step closer to having kids here with us.
However, outside of the adoption world, the same principles don't necessarily apply. I'd like to point out that this ability to choose not to look into the eyes of these sweet, sad orphans and tell them no, is a luxury we should be very careful about indulging in. It's easy to turn our heads when we see pictures like this:
But the luxury of turning our heads can often create a sense of "not my problem" in our minds. Out of sight, out of mind is often what happens. If we don't sometimes force ourselves to look at and remember how children are living RIGHT THIS MINUTE, we forget. We forget our responsibility as Christians, and it becomes incredibly easy to justify the money spent on a movie ticket, or Starbucks instead of helping to save an orphan from starving to death. Some say it's too complicated to know how to help...what will be most effective? And those same people usually continue to do nothing. Doing something is better than nothing. Even if you can feed only one starving child, that is one more child that doesn't have to live and die in horrendous pain. I find it very important not to turn my head away, but instead to study these precious children's faces and create a motivation in me that isn't easily dissuaded. If the conviction isn't deep enough, it won't last. At least not for me. There are too many distractions around us, and I personally NEED to be reminded of the pain others are suffering that I, little insignificant me, can do something...anything...to change.
"Sometimes I would like to ask God
why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do
something about it...
But I'm afraid He might ask
me the same question."
~Anonymous
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