On April 8th, it will be 3 months since we accepted the referral of our sweet children. It's really hard to believe, and that also means we've been in our house almost 3 months as well. We're working on taking down wallpaper, will soon be painting, and the never-ending sorting through boxes. We got out the essentials, but have a lot to sort through still. We want to continue to purge and get rid of stuff, so that's our goal as we go through stuff.
Reflecting back on our "referral accepting" date, I realized I hadn't yet blogged about it. I had every intention to, but the weeks following accepting our referral were filled with getting paperwork completed and sent in, and settling into our house. When we first moved in, we went a week and a half without silverware, and finally decided we needed to find it when we started eating with picnic forks :) We weren't in any hurry obviously, but have gotten a lot done in the past few months.
When we switched to an independent adoption, we were told it was rare to find siblings, as most of the children they process adoptions for are abandonment cases, where the child is left somewhere and there is no parent to sign any papers, or verify any siblings. If two children are abandoned in the same area together, there isn't anyone to verify they are in fact siblings, so they often have to conclude they are not related. It is also uncommon for a parent to abandon multiple children at once - it is more likely that they will abandon one - maybe the one that is most at risk of death or illness without more care than the parent can provide. No parent can fathom having to make that decision, so please keep that in mind instead of jumping to the common thought of "how could a parent do that to their child??" - obviously the situations are desperate there, so much so that parents have to make that decision to give up their child in hopes he will receive better care than they as the parent can give him. It's horrific to think about having to do that. Even more horrific to imagine keeping your child knowing they are facing death and you didn't do everything in your power to get them help. It's a matter of having to choose the best-worst outcome for your child.
When I first pictured the children we would bring into our family clear back when we decided to adopt, in my head I often pictured a toddler and an older child sibling group. I am very drawn to toddlers - I love that age, the way they talk, the way they act, the way they see the world, the way they process information, everything about them. So naturally my mommy desires kicked in and I was hoping for a toddler. It became obvious quickly when we switched to an independent adoption that the chances were very slim we would be referred a sibling group at all, let alone one with a toddler, unless we decided to wait for one to become available. We wanted a waiting child, and didn't want to wait for a referral while another child was waiting for a family. We asked God to send us the children we were meant to have, and would gladly welcome into our home whoever came our way. Not knowing quite how to process the feelings of uncertainty about not adopting a toddler, I asked for support on our facebook adoption groups, and talked to other families who had accepted a referral or brought home a child who was not the age, gender, or whatever that they had originally pictured in their family. I spoke with over a dozen people, and aside from a couple, the conclusion was that most people accepted a referral for a child they didn't originally picture adopting, and were incredibly happy they did. I also asked them about the feelings they got when they saw the referral picture of their future child. I was concerned that after looking at so many pictures, I was a bit calloused, and wasn't having those "love at first sight" feelings I had always pictured having when I opened up my email and saw the faces who would one day come home with me. I didn't know which one of these pictures I was looking at was that of my future children, and the fact that didn't stand out to me like the "ah-ha" moment I'd always imagined (seeing the picture and KNOWING that's my child), made me nervous. I was reassured by almost every person I talked to who had similar fears and worries. The few that actually did have love at first sight feelings were accepting referrals of children who fit their requests perfectly - i.e. they asked for an infant girl, and were getting an infant girl. Naturally there wouldn't be any second guessing feelings with a referral you asked for. Other families who were stretched a little outside their boxes all said that it wasn't always perfect feelings of bliss, but absolutely fit perfectly for their families upon bringing them home and they couldn't imagine things any differently had they adopted younger, or of a different gender. After talking to other adoptive parents, I realized my feelings were normal, and I felt completely at peace with not adopting a toddler. I then prayed a lot for God to give us whatever children He had planned for us. I knew if that didn't include a sibling group with a toddler in it, that's okay - God's trusting me with His precious children, I trust HIM much more than I trust me.
The night we chose our children, we sat down together on the couch, and
listed out all of our current options for children. (I would never wish this for anyone to have to do...) There were a lot of
single children, and we had the option of choosing any number of single
children, or the one sibling group that was available to us. We numbered the children, and each took some time separately writing down our first, second, and third picks. This is also something I wouldn't wish on anyone to have to do - it's a sickening feeling. No matter what, there were at least 8 children on our list who wouldn't find their family that night...who would continue being orphans. We could only choose 2 or 3, out of 147 million orphans.
Our conversation that night on January 8th didn't last long before we had made a decision. With only one sibling group in the list, and our strong desire to keep siblings together and adopt related children if possible, we concluded pretty quickly we wanted the sibling group of a boy and a girl ages 4 and 5. Those feelings I was discussing earlier all came at once. It was butterfly feelings, it was instant protection, and I instantly wanted to get these kiddos home. We were so excited, and I'm sure a part of these elated feelings were related to simply having finally made this decision!! It felt right, and we immediately started talking about what plans we were going to make - their room, what needs to be done, what we'll need for them, etc. It was like we were going to pick them up next week with the way we were planning :) I texted Amy and Sarah (we had referral options from both) to tell them of our decision around 10:30 that night.. We were congratulated by both, and I was so excited we finally knew who our kids were!!!
The next morning, at 6:30 am, I got a text from Amy. It said, "I know you just made your decision, but I have a sibling group of a 2 and 3 year old if you were still wanting younger children" My heart sank. I texted back, "You have got to be kidding me" First it was very rare to find a sibling group, then it was even more unlikely to find a sibling group with a toddler in it who is waiting for a family. And now we have two to choose from?! We waited almost 2 months to make this decision, and 8 hours after we decided, another one becomes available to us?! I called Amy on my way to work, and she explained there was a family looking for a boy and they referred a little boy, then realized he had a sister. The family was fairly sure they only wanted to adopt one, their homestudy was only approved for one, and they were only approved by USCIS for one. They were thinking about it and giving Amy a call back sometime that day, but she wanted to let me know it was a possibility before the day got underway and we sent paperwork for the other sibling group. I was crushed. It was a fairly easy decision when there was just one sibling group, I could not possibly choose between two sibling groups. I prayed the entire way to work that God would just take one of these choices away from me. I couldn't possibly decide AGAIN between children. If we chose the younger sibling group, I'd feel like we were betraying the children we had just 8 hours before chosen. If we chose the older sibling group, Amy didn't have any other families who wanted a sibling group so they would wait. I realize in 147 million orphans there are more than two sibling groups, but in our world at that moment, we had to say no to one little boy and girl. They didn't know about the rejection, but we did. I was so upset over having to decide this, I continued to pray,
plead to God that one sibling group be taken by somebody else. I didn't want to have to choose, and no matter what we chose, I couldn't feel good about it. I asked Sam to come over to my work for lunch so we could talk about it, it was such an emotional and awful time!! After lunch, I texted Amy and Sarah and said, "We can't possibly make this decision, so the only way we know to make this decision is to choose the sibling group who has nobody else to adopt them. So please, if there's another family who wants one of them, please let us know. We are praying for this answer to be clear." Amy called literally 2 minutes later and said the other family had just called - they wanted to younger sibling group, and they were no longer an option.
God. Answers. Prayers.
When I told my dear friend and fellow adoptive mom about that day, she pointed out how Satan works against us. He took the happiest day in our adoption journey so far and crushed it in a matter of 8 hours. He made us question our decision, and consider walking away from the children we chose. Satan does not want children to find families, and he will do whatever he can to discourage people from adoption, to destroy families, to pull children from their parents. These children need our prayers - I like to think about it like they are what fuels God's power against Satan.
I'm so glad we have God on our side.
One fellow adoptive mom said it very well - "Love isn't always about
those butterfly feelings. It starts with feelings of responsibility and
protection. Being a mother is being a caregiver, protecting your
children, and the rest of those feelings of love will grow." It's not always easy to feel an
emotional connection with a child you can't see or hold. But I feel an emotional connection with the children we are going to
adopt knowing someday I am going to get to hold these children, provide them with food, shelter, clothes, water, and...love. However, since I can't give them these things yet, I'm in protective mode, and have an overwhelming desire to get them home. We'll have plenty of time for the rest.
